News for Week Ending Friday, Feb 23, 2018

1.   At this week’s White House press conference, press secretary Sarah Sanders gave the first question to NBC’s Kristen Welker, who was wearing the same style dress as Ms. Sanders.  ***  At Ms. Sanders’ next press conference it is expected that a matching dress will be worn by CNN”s Jim Acosta.

2.   Several employees at Apple’s new, modernistic headquarters in California have been injured walking into its glass walls.  ***   That’s unusual—at most corporations employees complain about bumping into a glass ceiling.

3.   Ironically, at the Broadway premiere of Jimmy Buffet’s musical, “Escape to Margaritaville,” the bar ran out of Margaritas.  ***   That was even more embarrassing than the premiere of “Hamilton,” when they ran out of $10 bills.

4.   McDonald’s announced that it will no longer offer cheeseburgers in Happy Meals.   ***  President Trump called the decision “sad,” but said he could live with it--as long as they don’t take away the toys.

5.   After it was discovered that a man pictured on the Trump dating website home page was a convicted felon, his image was immediately removed.  ***   And, in the interest of full transparency, it then became the first dating site to change the name of the “Profiles” section to “Fake News.”

6.   Major League Baseball is implementing new rules to speed up the game.  ***  So, starting with the 2018 season, pitchers can only throw fastballs.

7.   On this date in history:  Feb 23, 1970 – Holy Eucharist is given by women for the first time in a Roman Catholic service.  ***  Apparently all the men were golfing.

8.   On this date in history:  Feb 22, 1821 – Spain sells Florida to United States for $5 million.   ***  They found that everyone there was too old to learn Spanish.

9.   On this date in history:  Feb 21, 1931 – Alka-Seltzer is introduced.  ***  Scientists said finding the right active ingredients was easy, but it was tough to get a really good “Plop, plop, fizz, fizz” sound.

10.  On this date in history:  Feb 20, 1962 – John Glenn becomes the first American to orbit Earth.   ***  Since then, the only thing that has gone around the world faster is fake news. 

News for Week Ending Friday, Feb 16, 2018

1.   Prince Henrik of Denmark has died at the age of 83, but refused to be buried next to the plot reserved for his wife, Queen Margrethe, because he was upset at never getting the title of King.   ***   I believe his gravestone sarcastically reads, “The Aristocrat STILL Known as Prince.”

2.   Disney World has just raised the price of one-day passes by $5, so adults now have to pay $129.  ***  Park officials also announced that the “Pirates of the Caribbean” feature has been replaced by a much more terrifying group of thieves and villains, “Pirates of the Ticket Booth.”

3.   The “Spice Girls” are planning a reunion tour this fall.  ***  For senior audiences, however, they’ll be performing as the “Low-Salt and High-Fiber Girls.”

4.   In the Olympics, a pair of Canadian figure skaters were urged to tone down their routine after complaints that it was too sexy.  ***  Officials said they didn’t mind the sensuality, but they noticed the ice was starting to melt.

5.   After a Florida woman was told she couldn’t bring her “support hamster” on her flight, she flushed it down an airport toilet.   ***   Yes, that was a very sad ending, but for one bright, shining moment the hamster thought he was getting a shiny porcelain cage with an in-ground pool.

6.   On this date in history:  Feb 16, 1932 – The first patent issued for a tree goes to James Markham for a peach tree.   ***  Al Gore says that’s was nice but he would prefer to see tree birth certificates.

7.   On this date in history:  Feb 15, 1689 – The German parliament declares war on France.  ***  France says, “OK, but this is the last time, right?”

8.   On this date in history:  Feb 14, 1978 –Texas Instruments patents the first "micro chip."  ***  It was the most important invention since the chocolate chip. 

9.   On this date in history:  Feb 13, 1633 – Astronomer Galileo arrives in Rome to go on trial for professing that the earth revolves around the Sun.  ***  Today, of course, everyone knows that the earth revolves around the Kardashians.

10.  On this date in history:  Feb 12, 1908 – Anna Jeanes bequeaths $1,000,000 to Swarthmore College to become all female.  ***  I wonder if that’s how much it cost Caitlyn Jenner. 

News for Week Ending Friday, Feb 9, 2018

1.   Gloria Copeland, one of President Trump’s evangelistic advisors, says that we do not need to get vaccinated against the flu because “Jesus himself” gave us the shots.   ***  She later issued a correction and admitted it only applies to people with the Obamacare Gold Plan.

2.   A former Alaskan Airlines pilot is expected to plead guilty to flying while intoxicated.  ***  Passengers on that flight became concerned when he got on the P.A. system and told some jokes that were actually funny.

3.   According to data from the Federal Highway Commission, 54,000 bridges in the U.S. are in serious need of repair.  ***  In fact, the one between the Democrat and Republican sides of the aisle has become totally unusable.

4.   A Massachusetts man has been arrested for marrying several women from Africa to help them immigrate in exchange for money.   ***   Authorities became suspicious when he was spotted at Cosco buying a 12-pack of engagement rings.

5.   The Massachusetts house once owned by Lizzie Borden is now for sale.  ***  The realtor says it has a very reasonable axing price.

6.   On this date in history:  Feb 9, 1920 – The Joint Rules Commission bans applying foreign substances to baseballs.  ***  All applied substances had to be made in the U.S.A.

7.   On this date in history:  Feb 8, 1802 - Simon Willard patents the banjo clock.   ***   It told you when it was time to play the banjo.

8.   On this date in history:  Feb 7, 1877 – The Guernsey Cattle Club is established in New York City.  ***   However, it was soon disbanded because the cattle just wouldn’t behave themselves.

9.   On this date in history:  Feb 6, 1997 – In England, Diane Blood wins the right to use her dead husband’s sperm.  ***   The judge said, “OK, but no other parts.”

10.  On this date in history:  Feb 5, 1931 – Maxine Dunlap becomes the first women in the U.S. to earn a glider pilot license.  ***  It happened in the middle of a flight, when her engine quit.

News for Week Ending Friday, Feb 2, 2018

1.   California coffee shops may be required to post warnings that coffee can cause cancer.  ***  They will also warn that excessive caffeine consumption may cause “Irritable Scowl Syndrome.”

2.   TV personality Amy Duggar has offered to adopt the 13 Turpin children who had been held captive by their parents their entire lives.  ***  Ms. Duggar said she was shocked by their story, and noted that most parents only want to lock up their kids during the teenage years.

3.   Panera has pulled cream cheese from all its U.S. locations after some samples tested positive for Listeria.  ***   Company officials say they’ll replace supplies as soon as they change the packaging to advertise the new flavor.

4.   Ingvar Kamprad, the founder of IKEA, has passed away at the age of 91.  ***  The pall bearers have been asked to arrive two hours before the funeral to assemble the casket.

5.   Dennis Peron, the “father of medical marijuana,” has passed away at the age of 72.   ***   His eulogy will be delivered by Dr. Cheech and Dr. Chong.

6.   On this date in history:  Feb 2, 1653 – The city of New Amsterdam is established, and is later re-named New York City.  ***  The reason for the name change is a bit complicated, but it was basically due to a few unfortunate incidents involving windmills.

7.   On this date in history:  Feb 1, 1893 – Thomas Edison completes construction of the world’s first movie studio.   ***  But, he had a tough time explaining to Mrs. Edison why he had to buy something called a “casting couch.”

8.   On this date in history:  Jan 31, 1928 – Scotch tape is first marketed by 3-M Company.  ***   That just goes to show—it’s possible to develop a successful product if you can just stick with it.

9.   On this date in history:  Jan 30, 1487 – Bell chimes are invented.  ***  Great sound, but tough to dance to.

10.  On this date in history:  Jan 29, 1728 – John Gays' "Beggar's Opera" premieres in London.   ***   To set the mood, ticketholders arriving at the event had to plead for good seats.

News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 26, 2018

1.   A culture expert says that North Koreans photographed around their leader, Kim Jong Un, are often crying because of the “cult of personality.”   ***  In democracies, on the other hand, it’s usually because they realize they voted for the wrong guy.

2.   Chinese scientists announced they have cloned two monkeys using the same method that was developed in 1996 to create Dolly the sheep.  ***  They say the new monkeys are energetic and alert, and can already say “ba-a-a-a-a-a.”

3.   A Florida man was charged with DUI after he tried to order a burrito at the drive-thru window at a bank.    ***   By the time police arrived, he was at the ATM machine trying to get a coke.

4.   The person in Hawaii who set off a nuclear attack warning by pushing the wrong button has been re-assigned.  ***   Actually, management should have been concerned after all those times he complained about the elevator stopping at the wrong floor.

5.   Researchers at Baylor University say that writing a “to-do” list at bedtime can help you fall asleep more quickly.    ***   On the negative side, most of your dreams will involve things like grocery shopping, paying bills and mowing the lawn.   

6.   On this date in history:  Jan 26, 1784 – Benjamin Franklin expresses unhappiness over the selection of the eagle as America's symbol and says he would have chosen the turkey.  ***  So, if Mr. Franklin had his way, at Thanksgiving we’d all be eating eagles.

7.   On this date in history:  Jan 25, 1939 – The nuclear age begins with the first nuclear fission experiment in the basement of Columbia University’s Pupin Hall by a group that includes Enrico Fermi.  ***  On the negative side, they missed a great kegger at the Alpha Beta fraternity.

8.   On this date in history:  Jan 24, 1983 – Hulk Hogan pins the Iron Sheik for the World Wrestling Federation title.     ***   Actually, Mr. Sheik would have been prepared for that trick move if he had watched Mr. Hogan’s sex video.

9.   On this date in history:  Jan 23, 1913 – A group known as the “Young Turks” carries out a coup d'etat against the Turkish government.   ***  They were so young they had to schedule the coup between recess and nap time.

10.  On this date in history:  Jan 22, 2002 – Kmart Corporation becomes the largest retailer in United States history to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection.  ***  The hearing was held at a courtroom marked by a flashing blue light.

News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 19, 2018

1.   After the owner’s publication of a tell-all book, the English lingerie store of Rigby & Peller lost the “royal warrant” which had marked it as a provider to the Queen and her family.   ***   Actually, what really did them in was the public introduction of the Queen's favorite undergarment line, “The Royal Peek-a-Boo.”    

2.   After 70 years in business, “The Doll Hospital & Toy Soldier Shop” in the Detroit suburb of Berkley is closing its doors.  ***  That’s too bad—It was the Republicans’ “Plan A” for replacing Obamacare and the VA.

3.   McDonald’s has announced that by 2025 it will use renewable, recyclable or certified materials in all of its packaging.  ***   To reduce the environmental impact even further, people ordering fries will be asked to hold out their hands. 

4.   The Centers for Disease Control has cancelled a planned meeting on “nuclear attack preparedness” and replaced it with a session on “how to reduce the spread of seasonal flu.”  ***  On a happy note, the CDC says most of those flu germs will never survive the first blast. 

5.   A new BBC documentary reveals that during World War II, amid fears of a Nazi invasion, England’s priceless crown jewels were hidden in a biscuit tin.   ***  Apparently they were betting that the Germans wouldn’t be hungry.

6.   On this date in history:  Jan 19, 1977 – President Ford pardons Iva Toguri D'Aquino, the radio voice of Japan known as “Tokyo Rose.”   ***   But he rejected her request for a late night talk show on NBC. 

7.   On this date in history:  Jan 18, 1896 – The first U.S. demonstration of an X-ray machine is held in New York City.   ***  It was then used to screen passengers at the stagecoach station.

8.   On this date in history:  Jan 17, 1976 – "I Write the Songs" by Barry Manilow hits #1.   ***   Its success immediately inspired his next song: “I Cash the Checks.”

9.   On this date in history:  Jan 16, 1965 – The Searchers hit #3 on the charts with "Love Potion Number 9."  *** But government officials said they don’t care how effective it is, it’s still not covered by Obamacare.

10.  On this date in history:  Jan 15, 1346 – Emperor Louis IV of Bavaria gives Holland to his wife.   ***   I believe that was the original “Dutch treat.”

News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 12, 2018

1.   First Lady Melania Trump has just announced three new additions to her White House staff, including a communications coordinator.  ***  Hey, what marriage couldn’t use one of those?

2.   Yesterday there was a two hour power outage and blackout at the big Consumers Electronics Show in Las Vegas.  ***  All the Millennials there hadn’t seen anything like that since their parents shut off power to the basement.

3.   Yesterday a small fire broke out on the roof of Trump Tower.  ***   That’s a shame. Trump staffers had been specifically instructed to extinguish all cigarettes before jumping.

4.   Dunkin’ Donuts has announced it will no longer use artificial food coloring.  ***  From now on, the colorful donut icing will be made from melted crayons.  

5.   McDonald’s has announced it may re-introduce the “Archburger,” an upscale hamburger made from fresh beef.  ***  In fact, it’s so exclusive McDonald’s will provide valet service for the drive-thru.

6.   On this date in history:  Jan 12, 1820 – The Royal Astronomical Society is founded in England.  ***   It was for people who love to use superlatives. 

7.   On this date in history:  Jan 11, 1892 – Artist Paul Gauguin marries a 13-year-old Tahitian girl.   ***   Well, maybe he needed help with his computer.

8.   On this date in history:  Jan 10, 1949 – RCA introduces the 45 RPM record.   ***  I believe they reduced the speed from 78 RPM so you could read the label while it was spinning.

9.   On this date in history:  Jan 9, 1879 – Cheyenne prisoners revolt at Fort Robinson, led by an Indian known as “Dull Knife.”  ***   Actually, a lot of leaders aren’t the sharpest knife in the drawer, but usually they keep it secret.

10.  On this date in history:  Jan 8, 1993 – The Elvis Presley commemorative postage stamp goes on sale.  ***  It was the first stamp ever printed on black velvet.