Friday, Feb 21, 2014

1.        The Michigan Department of Transportation says that coping with the severe winter weather has used up much of the budget for maintenance during the summer.    ***  But that’s OK because it doesn’t look like we’re ever going to have a summer.

2.        Spike TV is coming out with a miniseries that chronicles the decade-long dispute between casino moguls Donald Trump and Steve Wynn.   ***  I believe the name of the show is “Who Cares?”

3.        Legislators in Kansas have introduced a bill that would permit teachers to spank students harder—even hard enough to cause redness and bruising.  They claim it would help improve discipline  ***  and let them cut down on waterboarding.

4.        An American warship assigned to provide protection near Sochi has run aground.  ***  Thus giving the United States a gold medal in the “national embarrassment” competition.    

5.        In Los Angeles, the foundation for the New Wilshire Grand skyscraper is expected to set a world record for the largest continuous cement pour, involving 2,100 truckloads of cement.  ***  It is also expected to set a new record for the number of mafia victims buried in a single pour.

6.        Lamar Odom has signed on with a basketball team in Spain.  He would have preferred continuing with the NBA, but he wanted to get a fresh start, re-establish his credibility  *** and get as far away from the Kardashians as possible.

7.        After a West Chester University student was denied a $10,000 prize for sinking a half-court shot in a basketball contest because of technicality, Pizza Hut stepped in and gave him the money.  ***  And, in a further effort to reward unbelievable  performances, Pizza Hut also offered to pay $10,000 for any basket made by the Milwaukee Bucks.

8.        After a breakdown in the Syrian peace talks, Syria’s foreign minister accused the United States of creating a “negative climate.”   ***   Yep. In fact, that’s our latest version of global climate change.

9.        Federal authorities have launched a criminal investigation into the North Carolina coal ash spill.  They say the incident created enough toxic sludge to fill 73 Olympic sized swimming pools.  ***  And in another Olympic analogy, they said the sludge was almost as bad as the tap water in Sochi.

10.     According to Time magazine, the most influential candy bar of all time is the “Kit Kat” bar:

One reason is that it’s the first candy marketed with the theme of “sharing.”   ***  Even though there has never been a documented case of anybody ever actually sharing one.

Secondly, its commercials have a jingle (Gimme a break…Gimme a break…) that you can’t get out of your head.  ***  And eating them gives you a jiggle that you can’t get out of your waist.

Friday, Feb 14, 2014

2014-02-14

1.     Federal authorities have launched a criminal investigation into the North Carolina coal ash spill.  They say the incident created enough toxic sludge to fill 73 Olympic sized swimming pools.  ***  And in another Olympic analogy, they said the sludge was almost as bad as the tap water in Sochi.

2.     Archaeologists from Tel Aviv University have found evidence that camels were not domesticated until the 10^th century B.C., indicating that early parts of the Old Testament were not written by first-hand eyewitnesses.   ***  They also say that God did NOT create the camel on the third day of the Creation as some sort of “hump day” joke.

3.     A Rutgers professor was suspended after telling students he was not qualified to teach the class he was assigned.  ***  I guess he should learn to hide his feelings of incompetency…like Joe Biden.

4.     The Cuban government issued official photographs of Fidel Castro meeting with the president of Argentina, but they had been altered to eliminate Castro’s hearing aid.  ***  They don’t want citizens to get the mistaken impression that the government actually listens.

5.     Penguins at the Scarborough Sea Life Sanctuary in England are being given anti-depressant pills to help them make it through this year’s miserable winter weather.   ***  I believe those are the same pills being given to Prince Charles to help him make it through his marriage to Camilla.

6.     Toyota is recalling 1.9 million Prius’s because of a condition that can cause them to suddenly slow down.  ***  I believe that condition is called “a hill.”

7.     Athletes at the Olympics have been told they cannot have helmet decals or armbands that commemorate fellow athletes who have died.  ***  However, they are allowed to display names of competitors who they wish were dead.  

8.     There have been a lot of surprises in the Olympics so far.  ***   For example, Ukraine took a gold medal in “solo hijacking.”

9.     The Sochi Winter Olympics opening ceremony was especially exciting with all the pyrotechnics.   ***  Every third firework was actually the launch of a short-range ballistic missile.

10.  Last Friday a man was arrested after trying to climb over the White House fence.  ***  It was Joe Biden, trying to get out.

 

Friday, Feb 7, 2014

 

32 ! — That’s the final count of how many of my jokes Jay Leno used in his monologues on the Tonight Show.  As some of you know, every morning for the past three years I’ve submitted “Bill’s Pills” to Jay and his staff.  (I had to exclude the ones that he used from this weekly blog because if he used it he owned it).

Of course, I was sad and sorry to see Jay’s time on the Tonight Show come to an end last night, but he had a great run.  And for me, being involved in a small part of all that was an absolute thrill.

But even though Jay’s gone, Bill’s Pills will continue!

  

1.     Archaeologists digging underneath downtown Miami say they’ve found evidence of an ancient civilization there.  ***   Actually, there’s still an ancient civilization in Miami.  (And you can find them at the early bird specials.)

 

2.     The White House is putting on a big push to get young adults to sign up for Obamacare.  It’s a tough sell, because people in that age group think they’re going to be healthy forever.  ***  In fact, they’re more naïve than teenagers, who merely think they’re going to live forever.

3.     The giant pharmacy chain CVS has announced that it will no longer sell tobacco products.   ***  They need the shelf space for marijuana.

4.     The former personal secretary of the late pope John-Paul II is coming under criticism for publishing a 640 page book of the pope’s personal notes even though John-Paul’s will said that the notes should be burned.   ***   Apparently the documents contain proof that the pope had advanced knowledge of Vatican lane closings.

5.     Fans trying to leave New Jersey after attending the Super Bowl complained about mass transit delays and overcrowding.  ***  Governor Christie apologized and assured them that it was just part of a new traffic study.

6.     In a recent interview Miley Cyrus said she wants young women to know that they don’t have to wear make-up.  ***  Well, guess which celebrity doesn’t yet have her own line of cosmetics.

7.     According to a poll by the Democratic firm Public Policy Polling, NBC News and sister network MSNBC rank near the bottom of who Americans trust for the news.   ***  So, if what NBC says might not be the truth…maybe Jay Leno’s not really fired!  (Jimmy Fallon!  Stay where you are!  Don’t believe what they told you!).

8.     In an interview on CNN, Dennis Rodman said he’d be willing to take the place of Kenneth Bae, the American who is currently being held in a North Korean prison.   ***  Thanks, but that’s really not necessary, Dennis.  The U.S. government would be glad to put you in a prison right here in your own country.

9.     Two Norwegian politicians have nominated Edward Snowden for the Nobel Peace prize.  ***  Well, now we know two guys that he’s got the goods on.

10.  Christie Brinkley, who just turned 60 years old, posed in a swimsuit on the cover of People magazine.  She said, “I’m actually excited about turning 60.  I’m at the top of my game.”  ***  That’s true, although her game is now shuffleboard.

Friday, Jan 31, 2014

 

1. A Royal Caribbean Cruise ship docked in Bayonne, New Jersey to disembark hundreds of passengers who caught some sort of virus.  ***  And, like a well-oiled machine, Governor Chris Christie’s staff immediately rushed to the site and blocked ALL the lanes of traffic.

2. Fashion model Chantel Jeffries, who was allegedly with Justin Bieber when he was arrested for DUI, is denying rumors that she has a criminal history, including five arrests.  ***  You know, if she really wants to protect her reputation, she should forget about that other stuff and just deny that she’s a friend of Justin Bieber.    

3. A petition on the White House web site to deport Justin Bieber back to Canada has over 100,000 signatures, which means it will get a presidential review.  ***  I don’t think President Obama will deport Bieber.  With his popularity at an all time low, he can’t afford to upset Canada.

4. President Obama increased the minimum wage that government contractors need to pay their workers.  ***  And then he made it even tougher for contractors by also increasing the minimum amounts for bribes and kick-backs.

5. The remains of a 300,000 year-old campfire have been discovered near Tel Aviv, Israel.  Archaeologists also found some charred bones, primitive tools *** and a half-eaten pile of s’mores.

6. According to an article in the journal “Nature,” scientists in Boulder, Colorado have just developed a new atomic clock that is accurate to within one second over 5 billion years. ***  Unfortunately, nobody there cares about it.  Colorado just legalized pot, and now people there don’t even wear a watch anymore.

7. Russian opponents of President Vladimir Putin are claiming that the Sochi Olympics are a $50 billion corruption extravaganza.  ***  Mr. Putin vehemently denied the allegations and said that the corruption was no more than $40 billion, tops.

 

8. NBC is bringing Bill Cosby back to television with a new sitcom at the age of 76.  ***  So, now Jay Leno’s expecting to return to the Tonight Show in about 13 years.

9. According to a company called SplashData, people are still selecting poor passwords.  Last year the most common password was the word “password,” and now it’s the number “123456.”  ***  Slacker thought process:  Gee, “password” is so hard to remember—is it one word or two?  Is it hyphenated? Are there one or two “s’s”? Do I capitalize the “p”?  Aw heck, I’ll just go with “123456.”

10. China is embarking on a nation-wide program to duplicate famous settings around the world. For example, they built an Eiffel Tower and called it Paris, and they built a White House and called it Washington D.C.  ***  And then there’s the low cost version, where they just blocked off a few lanes on a bridge and called it New Jersey.

Friday, Jan 24, 2014

1.        According to NASA, the Mars rover just discovered a very unusual looking rock, and it was described as being the size of a jelly donut.   ***   I believe that information came from the NASA spokesman they call “Chubby.”

2.        Convicted con man Bernie Madoff recently had a heart attack in prison.  ***  Actually, it was part of a big pyramid scheme – He got a heart attack, then three of his buddies had heart attacks, then three of each of their buddies had heart attacks…

3.        Researchers in Boston say that obesity can lead to hearing loss.  *** So, maybe Chris Christie was telling the truth…he really didn’t hear his aides talk about closing those traffic lanes.

4.        Archaeologists working at an abbey in Winchester, England solved the mystery of where King Albert the Great was buried when they did DNA testing on a pelvic bone.  *** A careful examination of the pelvic remains also solved the mystery of why he was considered “Great.”

5.        Scientists in England have developed a computer program that can analyze a book and predict whether it will be successful.   It counts the number of adjectives, the number of conjunctions  ***  and the number of colorful drawings with words like “POW!!!”, “KABOOM!!!” and “ZAP!!!”

6.        There’s a new computer app called “Fixed” that helps you fight parking tickets.  ***  I believe it automatically transfers money from your personal bank account to the judge’s.

7.        Researchers in Boston say they have found a link between hearing loss and obesity.  *** It’s easier to over-eat when you can’t hear your brain yelling, “STOP!”

8.        China has started building its second aircraft carrier.  ***   They expect construction to move along fairly slowly until summer, when school is out.

9.        At the site of the winter Olympics in Russia, some workers were injured when they fell while shoveling snow off a roof.   ***   Officials described their falls as 4.6, 5.2 and 5.7.

10.     China has assured the United States that its new hypersonic aircraft, which can fly at ten times the speed of sound, is not intended to penetrate American air defenses.  ***  They just want a faster way to get their products to Wal-Mart.

Friday, Jan 17, 2014

1.        Researchers at the University of Texas say that video games may be a major reason for the recent decline in violent crimes.   ***  Kids can’t figure out how to fire a weapon that they can’t operate with their thumbs.

2.        The Vatican says it wants to reduce the costs of nominating someone for sainthood, with legal fees and other expenses now running close to a million dollars.  ***  I think the problem is that they can’t find many saint candidates among the one-percent.

3.        Investigators have learned that when that Southwest Airlines flight landed at the wrong airport in Missouri, there was a third person—a company dispatcher—sitting in the cockpit.  ***  And that’s very disturbing, because it means there were THREE Southwest employees who couldn’t find the right airport.

4.        In New York City, drivers of horse-drawn carriages are fighting Mayor DeBlasio’s plan to ban the carriage rides because they are allegedly detrimental to the welfare of the horses.  ***  But, in a compromise measure to keep the carriages rolling,  the White House has agreed to cover the horses under Obamacare.

5.        President Obama plans to announce changes in the NSA’s spying program, including cutbacks in spying on leaders who are friendly toward the United States.  ***  You know, if there were any.

6.        Paula Abdul is suing a tanning salon for injuries received when she underwent an infra-red treatment that promised to burn off 1200 calories.   ***  She is also suing them for a previous treatment that left her extremely gullible.

7.        The long-time partner of the French president was hospitalized for exhaustion after she found out the president has been having an affair with another woman.   ***    Hey, he’s the one trying to please two women—shouldn’t he be the one who’s exhausted?

8.        Some Detroit students were let out of school early one day last week because they had no heat.   ***  You see, it wouldn’t be fair to have those kids walking around totally defenseless.

9.        Even though Colorado has legalized marijuana, authorities may ban it at the Denver Airport.  ***  And let me tell you, the pilots are furious.

10.     The newly merged Fiat-Chrysler company is considering listing on the New York or Hong Kong stock exchanges, and CEO Sergio Marchionne says, “We will go where the money is.”   ***   Hmmm…I believe the last auto executive to say that was John DeLorean.

Friday, Jan 10, 2014

1.        During the recent blizzard a pregnant woman in Indiana had to give birth at home with no one there to help her.   ***  That wasn’t because of the weather…It’s because she had signed up for the Obamacare “bronze” plan.

2.        Snooki, from the TV show “Jersey Shore,” just got the results of a genealogical DNA analysis, and she was shocked to learn that she isn’t really Italian.   ***   I think the same thing recently happened to Olive Garden.

3.        JWoww from “Jersey Shore” announced that she is pregnant.  ***  Let’s see, JWoww is going to have a baby, and Snookie already had a baby, and Pauly D just revealed that he became a father a couple months ago…OH MY GOD!  THEY’RE MULTIPLYING!

4.        According to the National Youth Fitness Survey, three in four young American teenagers do not get at least one hour of daily physical activity.   ***   On the positive side, they have the strongest thumbs in the world.

5.        In Lexington, Kentucky, it was so cold that escaped convict Robert Vick turned himself in so he could get warm.   ***  In fact, it’s so cold that police are cutting down on crime by keeping their cars warm and driving slowly through town so criminals can jump in.

6.        The latest diet craze is to drastically reduce food intake for two or three days each week.  It’s called I.F., or “Intermittent Fasting.”  ***  That’s on the days you fast.  On the other days it’s known as IWG,  “Intermittent weight gain.”

7.        A study by Consumer Reports says that most raw chicken sold in the United States has “worrisome amounts” of bacteria.   ***   Or as KFC calls it, “Extra Crunchy.”

8.        In order to promote healthy eating by students, a school district in New York is sending parents a weekly report on what their child had for lunch.   ***  And, if the class bully stole your kid’s lunch money, the report will tell you what the bully ate.

9.        With cold weather sweeping across half the country I guess it’s appropriate that the top film at the box office this weekend was the Disney movie “Frozen.”  Second place was “Paranormal Activity,”  ***  which is the story about Congress recently agreeing on a budget.

10.     Dennis Rodman is headed back to North Korea with a group of former NBA players to play an exhibition game against the North Korean team.   ***   And President Kim Jong Un has announced that the halftime show will include a special performance by the North Korean national firing squad.