Friday, Oct 4, 2013

2013-10-04

1.      In an interview with Vanity Fair, Mia Farrow says the biological father of her son Ronan might be Frank Sinatra, rather than Woody Allen as previously believed.  ***  She’s just trying to remember—on that fateful night, did the guy in bed with her sing or tell jokes.

2.      At a Senate committee hearing, the head of the NSA, General Keith Alexander, testified that his agency had once tested whether it could track the locations of Americans’ cell phones.   ***    How’s that for a Verizon commercial:  “Can you track me now?”

3.      We now have more information on Monday’s commuter train crash in Chicago.  Authorities say there was no one at the controls, so it was unstoppable, continuing down the tracks, endangering countless people, and then crashing and coming to a complete stop.  ***  Oh wait, that’s the update on the situation in Congress.

4.      The Supreme Court has just agreed to hear a copyright infringement case regarding the 1963 movie “Raging Bull.”   ***   Now, don’t get that confused with what’s happening in Congress, which is “political bull.”

5.      Apple has replaced Coca-Cola as the most valuable brand in the world.  ***  In fact, the Apple brand is so popular they’ve even named a fruit after it.

6.      According to a study by QSR magazine, fast food drive thru’s are 8 seconds slower than last year.  One reason is an increased emphasis on customer satisfaction by making sure the order is correct.  ***  Yeah, Americans really hate getting fat on the wrong food.

7.      Government employees furloughed by the shutdown at agencies like NASA were allowed to come into work for half a day to set up “out of office” e-mail replies and voice mail greetings.   ***   SPACECRAFT:  “Houston, we have a problem.”  NASA:  “This is Houston.  We can’t come to the phone right now. Please leave a message.”

8.      “The Butler” is no longer tops at the box office.  ***   Because of the government shutdown, the ending has been changed. Now the butler is declared “non-essential” and he leaves the White House after telling the president to “get your own damn coffee.”

9.      The Senate is proposing legislation that would limit the NSA’s ability to monitor phone calls.   ***   So, now when you phone someone you may get a message saying, “Hi. This is the NSA. We’re sorry, but we can’t record your call right now...”

10.    More than half of all British airline pilots recently surveyed say they have fallen asleep during flights.   ***  The scary part is that they usually woke up because the co-pilot was snoring.

Friday, Sept 27, 2013

1.      The FAA may allow some electronic device usage during take-offs and landings, such as reading e-books or watching videos.  ***  Of course, that’s only for the pilots.

2.      A zoo in England has banned visitors from wearing animal print clothing, such as leopard or zebra, because it can confuse or scare the animals.  ***  For the same reason, zoo personnel cannot be heard referring to older women as “cougars.”

3.      Wal-Mart is gearing up for the holidays.  The good news:  Store officials said this will result in 50,000 more seasonal jobs.  ***  The bad news:  All the positions are at the factories in China.

4.      Voters in Switzerland overwhelming defeated a proposal to end the military draft and a second proposal to do away with the army all together.   ***  And no one was more pleased with the outcome than the manufacturer of Swiss Army knives.

5.      Standard & Poor’s Rating Services has increased Harley-Davidson’s credit rating.  ***  Amazing.  All it took was one friendly little visit by a local motorcycle gang.

6.      At the airport in Paris, French police seized more than a ton of cocaine that was stashed in 30 suitcases on a flight from Venezuela.  ***  Now, that’s a good example of how crime doesn’t pay.  With 30 suitcases, the extra baggage fee was greater than the street value of the drugs.

7.      In order to fund new programs Harvard is asking for $6.5 billion in donations.   ***   And President Obama is saying, “Gee, why didn’t I think of that!”

8.      At a meeting with unemployed workers in Sardinia, Pope Francis said the world economy can no longer be based on “a god called money.”   ***   Or as some people call him: “The Donald.”

9.      Police in Michigan arrested four magazine salesmen who carjacked a man at a grocery store and then stabbed someone during a robbery.   ***  You know, I remember when it was bad enough just having them knock on your door.

10.    Ty Warner, the creator of Beanie Babies, has agreed to pay a $53 million fine for not paying taxes on income he earned in an offshore bank account.   ***  Federal prosecutors initially became suspicious that Warner had money stashed offshore when his company came out with the new Mitt Romney Beanie Baby.

Friday, Sept 20, 2013

1.      At a Spanish festival this week a huge bull named “Vulcano” gored a photographer.  ***  See, even bulls hate the paparazzi.

2.      According to former NSA and CIA director Michael Hayden, Google’s Gmail has become the preferred method of communication for terrorists around the world.   ***   In fact, now when you access Gmail a computerized voice says, “You’ve got threats.”

3.      A Dutch company has come out with an “ethical smart phone.”  The metal content is sourced from conflict-free mines, the factory workers are paid a living wage, and a portion of each sale is contributed to an organization for cell phone recycling.   ***   But don’t worry--you can still use the phone to lobby against raising the minimum wage, order products made with child labor, and check on your investments in Iran. (And then toss the phone into a lake when you get a new one.)

4.      According to a recent poll, on the average, Americans believe the perfect age is 50, but it differs by region.  It’s 47 in the West, 50 in the Midwest, 51 in the South, and 53 in the East.   ***  So, that’s good news:  You can be the ideal age for 7 straight years—you just have to move around a lot.

5.      The world’s smallest horse, which is about two feet tall, was stolen from a horse show in Italy.  Police trying to find the valuable animal are searching high and low.   ***   Well, low anyway.

6.      Eight days after her wedding, a woman in Glacier National Park had second thoughts about her marriage and pushed her husband off a cliff.   ***  I didn’t catch her last name, but I’m guessing “Kardashian.”

7.      Al Qaeda leader Aymen al-Zawahri is urging numerous small-scale attacks in the United States in order to destroy the American economy.  ***  Well, I’ve got a message for Al Qaeda: Hey guys, we can do that just fine by ourselves, OK? (We don’t need any help!)

8.      Krispy Kreme plans to supplement its wholesale business by selling more freshly baked donuts directly out of its own retail stores.   ***   In fact, they say the donuts will be so fresh that they’re guaranteed to make it to your waist and hips while they’re still warm.

9.      Russian officials are warning of a catastrophe if North Korea restarts an old plutonium reactor.  ***  They said if the North Koreans go ahead with their plan Vladimir Putin will immediately launch a devastating op-ed piece in the New York Times.

10.    According to the Hurun Wealth Report, during the past year the number of billionaires in China has increased from 251 to 315.   ***   Great!  Now we can borrow even more money!

Friday, Sep 13, 2013

1.      It’s been five years since the collapse of Lehman Brothers, which precipitated the financial crisis, but according to the Center for Public Integrity, Richard Fuld, Lehman’s CEO at the time, has still not issued any sort of apology.   ***  Actually, he did try to send out an apology, but the investment banking version of Spellcheck does not recognize the word “sorry.”

2.      Apple has just introduced two new iPhones with different price points.  ***  The model 5C has the lower price, so I assume the “C” stands for “Cheap.”  The 5S is more costly, so I assume the “S” stands for “ ‘Spensive.”

3.      According to a survey by Insurance.com, 44% of women say they swear in front of their children while driving, while only 30% of men confess to the same behavior.  ***  Actually, the mens’ number went up to 98% once they were shown a list of  all the words that were considered swearing.

4.      In spite of some people doubting her accomplishment, long distance swimmer Diana Nyad is adamant that she swam the 110 miles from Cuba without assistance, kept her rest stops within guidelines...***...and maintained her morale throughout the ordeal by smoking good Cuban cigars.

5.      According to the United Nations’ second annual World Happiness Report, the United States is the 17^th happiest country on earth.  ***    Although we expect to move up at least two spots if we don’t have to bomb Syria.

6.      Pope Francis has spoken out against plans to bomb Syria’s military facilities.  And in related news, Syrian rebel fighters briefly captured an historic Christian town.   ***  I believe it’s called the Vatican.

7.      The Department of Health in Washington D.C. is proposing a 24 hour waiting period for tattoos so customers will have time to consider their decision.  ***  And the tattoo shops will have time to run their designs through Spellcheck.

8.      Patients in two New England Hospitals have been warned that they may have been exposed to “mad cow” disease.   ***  Actually, they should have been concerned when they saw heifers in the ER.

9.      A woman in Tennessee stole $5,000 from her boyfriend and hid it in her rectum.   ***   Now she’s looking for one of those money laundering operations.

10.    Scientists say they have discovered vast underground supply of water in the drought stricken country of Kenya.  That’s an amazing discovery.

            ***  That’s like finding peace in the Middle East
            ***  That’s like finding modesty in Hollywood
            ***  That’s like finding a shy bone in Miley Cyrus
            ***  That’s like finding accountability in Congress
            ***  That’s like finding a birth certificate in the White House
            ***  That’s like finding Anthony Weiner with his zipper up
            ***  That’s like finding Edward Snowden...anywhere

Friday, Sept 6, 2013

1.      In order to promote more human interaction, Wyoming Catholic College has banned all cell phones as well as computer access to social networking sites.   ***   Officials there felt all that high tech stuff was getting out of hand when the students started praying by texting God.

2.      Scientists say the most effective way to get astronauts to endure a nine-month trip to Mars is to keep them in a state of hibernation until they arrive.   ***  And then they’ll be awoken by a little green Martian tapping on their window.

3.      Fast food workers across the country are striking for a higher wage, although restaurant owners say it would result in increased prices.   ***  So, when you order a hamburger the server will ask, “Can you afford fries with that?”

4.      Fast food workers across the country are striking for a higher wage, although restaurant owners say it would result in increased prices.   ***  But, don’t worry;  President Obama is going to take care of that with legislation he calls “The Affordable Fries Act.”

5.      In Sudlersville, Maryland, the military accidentally dropped a practice bomb in the parking lot of Darlene’s Tavern.  ***   Well, that certainly takes the “Happy” out of Happy Hour. 

6.      A Long Island man who legally changed his name to Santa Claus has been summoned for jury duty.  ***  He and the other jurors will need to determine if the defendant is “naughty” or “nice.”

7.      John Kerry says the evidence of global warming is “undeniable and alarming.”   ***  And he said it’s only going to get worse if we don’t stop it by bombing Syria.

8.      President Obama wants to attack Syria to halt that government’s use of weapons of mass destruction.   ***  Of course, the President has his own weapons of mass destruction.  They’re called “economic advisors.”

9.      Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel was told to sit out the first half of the season opener after NCAA officials found out he had been selling autographs.   ***   They figure 30 minutes will give him enough time to finish selling a few more and take care of this year’s tuition.

10.    According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 9 million Americans take prescription pills to sleep better at night.   ***   Everyone else just avoids reading the news.

Friday, Aug 30, 2013

1.    Many auto makers are offering a feature that alerts drivers when another vehicle is in their “blind spot.”  ***   Which, when you’re texting, is pretty much everywhere outside the car.

2.    A federal court has ordered California to reduce prison overcrowding.   The state plans on doing this by assigning some inmates to private prisons, putting some of them in county jails... *** ... and sending many of them back to Congress.

3.    The famous parking garage in Arlington, Virginia where journalist Bob Woodward frequently met with his informant, “Deep Throat,” regarding the Watergate affair is being demolished.  ***   You know, that’s a terrible loss—all those valuable parking spaces...

4.    Federal officials say that many schools have cut ties with the National School Lunch Program because the healthy menu, with things like fruits and vegetables, was being rejected by the students.   ***   In order to satisfy the kids’ preferences, those schools are also extending recess, eliminating homework, and canceling all Friday classes.

5.    A fire is threatening San Francisco’s water supply.  ***  Yes, the flames are getting very close to a Perrier bottling plant.

6.    For Halloween, General Mills will offer five “monster” cereals.  In addition to the existing Frankenberry, Boo Berry and Count Chocula, they are bringing back  Frute Brute and Yummy Mummy.   ***  Also, they announced a new Edward Snowden cereal;  when you pour milk in the bowl, it leaks.

7.    The New York Attorney General is suing Donald Trump’s investment school, “Trump University,” for $40 million.  The lawsuit says the organization practiced persistent fraud, illegal and deceptive conduct, and violation of consumer protection laws...  ***  ...but failed to teach those skills to the students.

8.    Protestors in the Philippines are demanding the end to a government slush fund used for legislators’ pet projects that are either useless or non-existent.  It is technically called the “Priority Development Assistance Fund.”   ***  Or, as we call it here in the United States: the Budget.

9.    A toddler at a bowling alley managed to crawl inside one of those games where you manipulate a claw to try to grab prizes.   ***  His parents were finally able to get him out, but it cost them nearly $20 in quarters. 

10.  The White House-themed movie “The Butler” topped the box office for the second weekend in a row.  It was followed by the Jennifer Anniston comedy, “We’re the Millers.”   ***  Sensing a big opportunity, producers have begun working on a new blockbuster: “The Miller’s Butler.”

Friday, Aug 23, 2013

1.      The isolated Mashco-Piro Indian tribe in Peru has attempted to make contact with the outside world for only the second time since 2011.   ***    They were desperate to watch Phil and Kay renew their wedding vows on Duck Dynasty.

2.      JetBlue is the latest airline to offer luggage delivery to your final destination, such as your hotel or home.  It costs $25 for one bag and $40 for up to ten bags.   ***  I don’t need all that. How much do I have to pay to just have my luggage show up at the right airport?

3.      Private Bradley Manning has been sentenced to 35 years for revealing secret documents. He was afraid he’d be in prison until he died.   ***   Actually, people like Bradley Manning and Edward Snowden never die; they just leak away.

4.      Eighty Republican congressmen are urging their leadership to resist efforts to fund Obamacare, a strategy which would result in a partial shutdown of the government.  ***   As opposed to the current situation, which is a total shutdown of government.

5.      Al-Jazeera, the TV network based in the Middle East, began broadcasting operations the United States this week.  The format was similar to American networks...  *** ... except their weather radar also tracks the flight path of predator drones.

6.      Celebrity Cruises cancelled the remainder of a seven-day Alaskan cruise when one of the propulsion motors failed.  ***  Passengers who wanted to continue their trip were put ashore and given a dog sled and a team of huskies.

7.      Crowds on a Russian beach had to run for their lives when a huge military hovercraft ran up on the shore.  ***  It was unclear who was at the helm of the errant vessel, but right after the incident Edward Snowden’s asylum was immediately revoked.

8.      According to a study published in the International Journal of Manpower, people who have sex more often tend to earn more money.  ***  Yes, especially if they charge for it.

9.      In a recent survey in which they were given a choice of being skinny or free of debt, 72% of Americans chose “Skinny,” while only 28% chose “Debt-free.”   ***  In real life, however, most people apparently choose “Neither.”

10.    Vice President Joe Biden’s son was briefly hospitalized after becoming very disoriented.  ***  Doctors diagnosed the condition as being entirely hereditary.