News Humor for Week Ending Friday, May 29, 2020

1.   Amusement parks in Japan are re-opening this week, but to minimize the spread of coronavirus roller coaster riders will be asked to refrain from shouting or screaming.  ***  To enforce this policy, the scariest rides will have one seat occupied by a former librarian.

2.   In his Memorial Day speech, President Trump gave tribute to the courage and sacrifice of American servicemen, saying, “They climbed atop enemy tanks, jumped out of burning airplanes, and leaped on live grenades.”   ***  Previous day, White House speech writer: “OK, I need three combat actions that would not be possible for someone with bone spurs.”  

3.   Hertz declared bankruptcy  last week, but intends to stay in business.   ***  To regain a firm financial footing, the company is laying off 16,000 employees, cutting operational costs in numerous other areas, and, for the first time ever, corporate executives will join front line workers in looking for loose change between the seat cushions.

4.   Parts of Australia are being hit by the worst storm in ten years, although weather forecasters are not expecting it to reach Category 5.  ***  Those Aussies are tough, practical people—they rate storms by how many shrimps are blown off the barbie.

5.   Convicted lawyer Michael Cohen’s release from the federal prison in Otisville last week has raised a storm of controversy.  ***  In fact, back when the possibility of his release was just a rumor, the prison warden received dozens of frantic calls asking for confirmation: “Say, I hear you might have a single room available?”

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, May 22, 2020

1.   The FDA has warned the public not to mistake the type of chloroquine used to clean fish tanks as a possible Covid-19 treatment.  ***   And no, that little thing blowing bubbles at the bottom of the tank cannot be used as a ventilator.

2.   I bought a new Honda lawnmower back in 2003, and now, in spite of all the wear and tear, I’m still using that same trusty machine to mow the lawn.   ***  My doctor can’t believe it.

3.   Burger King is airing an ad which announces its new delivery service, encourages compliance with “stay-at-home” directives, and coins the phrase “couch potatriate,” all in a nod to Winston Churchill’s memorable WWII statement to people on the home front,  “They also serve who only stand and wait.”  *** I believe the Burger King version is “They also serve who only sit and gain weight.”

4.   Trucking company owner Maurice “Mo” Fayne, who appears on the reality show “Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta,” has been arrested for using his $1.5 million small business loan to buy a Rolls-Royce, jewelry and other luxuries.  ***   Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin said that was an egregious misuse of funds from the Payroll Protection Program, and Mr. Fayne should have paid for all those personal items with his $1,200 stimulus check.

5.   The Detroit Institute of Arts is closed due to COVID concerns, but its museum shop is still selling items online and has added a line of facemasks with images of famous works of art.  ***   My wife selected Claude Monet’s “Rounded Flower Bed,” and now she can literally put her Monet where her mouth is.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, May 15, 2020

1.   In this week’s Senate hearings, epidemiologists testified that some of their scientific findings and warnings are being dismissed by people in power.   ***   They also complained that whenever they go to the cafeteria someone steals their lunch money.

2.   Vatican finance officials say COVID-related restrictions are stifling sources of income and having a negative impact on the Church’s coffers.  ***  In a compassionate gesture, a White House spokesperson offered sympathy, and suggested that the coffers be put in quarantine.

3.   Martha Stewart is adapting to mandatory “stay home” time and posted a picture of her reorganized kitchen pantry, with 27 types of olive oil on the top shelf, countless cooking ingredients on the middle shelves, and about 20 bottles of liquor at the bottom.  ***  That’s great--now she can easily grab another bottle of booze when she crawls to the pantry after finishing the first one.  

4.   According to the journal “Wound Management and Prevention,” medical professionals often suffer discomfort and dangerous skin abrasions from continually wearing face masks that are held on by elastic bands over the ears.    ***  And in England, there have been reports that a certain member of the Royal Family wears that type, but requires the help of two Buckingham Palace Guards to put it on.

5.   The Polar Cave Ice Cream Parlour in Mashpee, Massachussets closed one day after re-opening because customers refused to pre-order and instead just showed up and yelled profanities at the staff when they weren’t served.  ***  Gee, I remember the days when “I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream” was just a cute verse, not a social norm.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, May 8, 2002

1.   The list of federal prisoners to be released early because of COVID-19 reportedly includes Gary Sayers, the owner of a small Michigan manufacturing plant that leaked dangerous chemicals onto I-696 last year in the form of green ooze. ***  The EPA had become aware of the toxic discharge through an anonymous tip on its community involvement hotline, “Slime Stoppers.”

2.   Many therapists and human behavior experts are giving suggestions on ways to cope and avoid stress during these times of home confinement.  ***  Apparently  their ideas are working. Couples who were previously complaining, disagreeing and arguing are now lovingly offering to trim each other’s hair with chainsaws.  

3.   A Utah highway patrolman pulled over an SUV that was being driven erratically, and found that the driver was a 5 year old boy with $3 in his pocket, who claimed he was going to California to buy a Lamborghini.  ***  The trooper, of course, became suspicious when he noticed that the kid wasn’t wearing any gold chains.  

4.   Officials in Venezuela say they have captured two American mercenaries who led a beach invasion with the intent of overthrowing President Maduro.   ***  Witnesses suspected they were not regular military forces when they stopped at a tiki shack to grab a few mai-tais before heading into town.

5.   After being arrested for trying to “self isolate” on Disney’s Discovery Island, a Florida man said he didn’t realize it was a restricted area, despite all the “no trespassing” signs.  ***   Apparently in that part of the world the only access control sign that means anything is an image of Mickey Mouse showing the height requirement.  

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, May 1, 2020

1.   To minimize the spread of COVID-19, Georgia governor Brian Kemp announced that residents who meet all other requirements for a drivers license do not need to pass a “comprehensive on-the-road driving test.”  ***    Actually, I often get the impression it’s been that way here in Michigan for years.  

2.   Most health officials say that even after the worst of this crisis has passed, we should all continue to practice social distancing.   ***   Gee, Dear, I’d love to stop and ask for directions, but…

3.   As millions of Americans struggle to cope with a “stay home” lifestyle, the Internet has been filled with stories and videos of people giving themselves haircuts.  ***    We plan to do that at our house, too, if we can find the scissors. Before we were even two weeks into 24/7 home confinement my wife and I had already decided it would be a good idea to hide all sharp objects.

4.   After being criticized for wearing a face mask with the image of a Confederate flag during a legislative vote, Michigan state senator Dale Zorn told a reporter it was not a symbol of the Confederacy, but he knew it would “raise some eyebrows.” ***  Upon hearing this, the CDC immediately issued a warning, saying that if your face mask raises eyebrows, you’re wearing it way too tight.  

5.   Therapists say shared decision-making is important for couples coping with 24/7 home confinement.  ***  I agree. For example, my wife and I both enjoy watching murder mysteries, but we take turns deciding which movie to watch. She always picks one where the husband is murdered and then I pick one where the wife is done in.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Apr 24, 2020

1.   State and federal health officials are scrambling to provide guidance on all the methods people are trying for cleaning their face masks, from washing machines (recommended) to boiling water to microwave ovens (not recommended).  ***   And regardless of the method used, they recommiend taking off the mask first.

2.   Virus experts say that even after the “Stay home” restrictions are lifted, life just won’t be the same.   ***    In fact, at the self-checkout lane at the store yesterday, the guy in front of me grabbed the hand-held barcode reader and tried to take a temperature scan of his forehead.

3.   Today is the 50^th anniversary of the very first Earth Day, and it is still inspiring major commitments to protect the environment.  For example, for every bag of coffee you buy, Starbucks will plant one new coffee tree.  ***  Then, after the tree has grown a bit, the baristas carve your name on it, and when the tree’s beans are ready for harvesting they shout it out.

4.   Scientists in the UK say “medical detection dogs” might be able to detect coronavirus in humans, and in one hour a single dog could sniff up to 750 people.   ***   However, those people would have to get down on all fours.

5.   A kayaker stranded on a remote island off the shore of New York City for 12 hours was rescued by an NYPD helicopter crew that saw his “HELP” sign on the beach.  ***  The rescuers apologized for not responding sooner, but said they have limited resources and needed to give a higher priority to “HELP” signs that had an exclamation point at the end.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Apr 17, 2020

1.   Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin is being criticized for implying that a $1,200 stimulus check can cover a person’s expenses for 10 weeks.  ***    Weeks, shmeeks--As a home-confined, recliner-sitting, TV-watching retiree, here’s my math question: How many limited-time, TV-only, 2-for-the-price-of-1 offers for ONLY $19.95 will I be able to order? (Please hurry, Mr. Mnuchin, I need my check NOW! Operators are standing by!)

2.   According to a recent news report, Michael Cohen, Donald Trump’s former lawyer currently serving time in a federal prison, was placed in solitary confinement.  ***  And now, millions of stressed-out men are still trying to convince their wives that they did not mutter, “Lucky guy.”

3.   As home confinement continues to be a challenge for most Americans, therapists say it’s helpful if we vary our day-to-day routines.  ***  For example, for me it’s Sundays: wine; Monday: bourbon; Tuesday: beer; etc. That’s not the booze I drink each day—it’s just the one I start with. 

4.   Michigan was hit with high winds yesterday, and in anticipation of those conditions the governor’s office issued a temporary change to the 6-foot social distancing requirement when outdoors.   ***  You only need to stay 6 inches away from the other person if you’re upwind, but 60 feet if you’re down.

5.   Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer has extended the “Stay home” executive order, which prohibits driving anywhere unless it’s for specified exceptions, such as “medical supplies,” “gasoline” and “outdoor physical activity.”   ***  You know, Ben & Jerry’s could make life really interesting when they name their next new flavors…