News for Week Ending Friday, Sept 25, 2015

1.        Experts say the most popular fashion accessory this fall will be the beret.  ***  Although white beanies are now expected be a close second.

2.        Native Americans are asking the government to rename the Wyoming rock formation known as “Devils Tower” because it implies that Indians used it as a site for devil worship  ***  and presidential campaign rallies.

3.        For a limited time, several McDonald’s restaurants in Sweden will allow customers to make reservations.  ***  It’s very classy—after you sit down at your table, a waiter takes your order and then goes up and stands in line for you.

4.        A woman in Syracuse, NY jumped out of her moving car when she saw a spider crawling on her shoulder.  ***

Itsy bitsy spider climbed up the driver’s neck,

                            Driver jumped out and caused a massive wreck.
                            Out popped the air bag and smashed the critter flat,
                            But the itsy bitsy spider sure got the final laugh.

5.        A Nebraska man claims he became ill because of traces of meth in his hotel room coffee pot.  ***  You know, maybe he shouldn’t have selected the K-Cup that had a picture of Walter White on top.

6.        On this date in history:  1561 - King Philip II of Spain forbids Spanish settlements in Florida.  ***  Thus missing the opportunity to establish a really lucrative chain of retirement villages.

7.        On this date in history:  1625 – The Dutch attack San Juan, Puerto Rico.  ***   Unfortunately, those wooden shoes pretty much ruined the element of surprise.

8.        On this date in history:  1837 - Charles Tiffany founded his jewelry & china store.  ***  But, he declines to serve breakfast.

9.        On this date in history:  1960 - Chubby Checker's "Twist" hits #1  ***   Chiropractors rejoice.

10.     On this date in history:  1989 - "Baywatch," starring David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson, debuts on NBC.   ***  Viewers immediately start demanding high def TV.

News for Week Ending Friday, Sept 18, 2015

1.        The Humane Society of Utah has dramatically increased the number of pet adoptions by partnering with Guinnevere Shuster to photograph the available animals in various poses like a photo booth.  ***   Ms. Shuster now finds her “photo booth photography” in high demand by desperate people on match.com.

2.        A study in the “Journal of Nutrition” compared the health benefits of natural honey vs. high-fructose corn syrup and found that there was very little difference.  ***  Phase two of the study will compare the effects of calling your spouse “honey” vs. “corn syrup.”   

3.        Dr. Oz’s TV show is changing direction and will now feature medical experts whose advice is backed up by solid research.  *** Viewers who still want unfounded hype with outrageous claims and no scientific basis will have to wait for the commercials.

4.        Police have arrested a man for crawling under tables and smelling women’s feet in the library at Florida International University.  ***  Just one more example of why libraries will never be replaced by the Internet.

5.        In order to highlight the state’s policy on immigrants, Governor Rick Snyder has declared this “Welcoming Week in Michigan.”  ***  Of course, next week they’ll all have to leave.

6.        Ringo Starr is auctioning off many of his belongings, and the drum set he used in 200 Beatles performances and recordings in 1963 and 1964 could fetch half a million dollars.  ***  Surprisingly, it’s even more valuable than the drum sets he used in later years, after he actually learned to play.

7.        New York City has finally opened an extension of its subway system for the first time in many years.  ***  Because of a city ordinance, opening was delayed until they had recruited and trained the required number of street musicians, panhandlers and pickpockets.

8.        American Airlines officials confirmed that they used a plane for a flight to Hawaii that was not properly equipped.  It did not have the required medical oxygen, extra fire-suppression canister…***…and grass skirts for the flight attendants.

9.        On this date in history:  1848 - Baseball rules changed so the 1st baseman can tag base for the out instead of the runner   ***  However, for close calls they still needed instant replay, in which players repeated the previous play in slow motion.

10.     On this date in history:  1964 - "The Addams Family", starring John Astin, Carolyn Jones, Ted Cassidy, and Jackie Coogan, premieres on ABC.   ***   It was Hollywood’s first attempt to create TV characters who are weirder than the real people in Hollywood.

News for Week Ending Friday, Sept 11, 2015

1.        In Philadelphia, tickets to Pope Francis’ events were snapped up in minutes, and authorities are warning the public to be on the lookout for counterfeits.  ***  No, I think it’s going to be the real pope.

2.        Kraft is recalling many of its “cheese singles” because consumers might leave part of the plastic wrap on the cheese when they eat it, which could have dangerous results.  ***  People will find out the plastic has more flavor.

3.        Researchers at the University of New Mexico say people began enjoying caffeinated drinks nearly 1,000 years ago.  ***   Although it was sometimes difficult to take their horse to the ride-thru.

4.        Heavy rains in parts of Spain have turned roads into raging rivers.   ***   In Pamplona, plans are being made for a new event, the Swimming of the Bulls.

5.        A federal judge has ruled that Costco fraudulently mis-labeled diamond engagement rings as being made by Tiffany.  ***  The judge also ruled that every cheapskate customer has 30 days to tell his fiancé he bought her ring at Costco.

6.        In a survey by the Pew Research Center, 57% of Millennials said their generation is not greedy.  ***  The other 43% demanded payment for filling out the survey.

7.        The Full Throttle Saloon, the huge biker bar in Sturgis, North Dakota, was destroyed by fire Tuesday night.  ***  Bikers have been terrified of fire ever since they heard that tattoo ink is flammable.

8.        Kraft is expanding the recall of its cheese “singles” because of a choking hazard.  ***  If you tell someone it’s real cheese, they start choking.

9.        Tori Spelling is suing Benihana’s because she fell onto a cooking griddle and burned her arms.  ***  Which is the only time in recent years that she’s been a hot actress.

10.     A California man has been arrested and charged with stealing a copy of O.J. Simpson’s Heisman Trophy.  He faces up to 6 years imprisonment  ***  in a copy of a jail cell.

News for Week Ending Friday, Sept 4, 2015

1.        In New York City a woman gave birth to a baby girl in the backseat of an Uber car.  ***  Now, how is that kid going to feel when she grows up and finds out that Mom was too cheap to give birth in the backseat of a real taxi?

2.        Researchers at Purdue University say that when urine and chlorine combine they make the kind of toxic compounds that are used in chemical weapons.  ***   So, their advice is obvious: If you ever have the urge to pee in a swimming pool, get out and stand at the edge.

3.        A 9 year old girl complained that pajama bottoms sold by Vineyard Vines were called “lounge pants” for boys but “lazy pants” for girls, so the store changed the names. ***  In the interest of political correctness, now they’re both called “Denali.”

4.        Some people are skeptical, but Poland’s Deputy Culture Minister said he is “99%” sure that two fortune hunters really have found the legendary Nazi-era “gold train” loaded with treasures.  ***  Is he related to the guy who was 99% sure that Hitler was just coming for a short visit?

5.        In effort to attract more shoppers, Kroger is installing beer taps in some of its stores.  ***   And, hopefully, a few more restrooms.

6.        At the MTV music awards show, Kanye West announced that he was running for president, but later explained that he had smoked some pot before announcing his candidacy.  ***  Unlike all the other presidential candidates, who had no excuse whatsoever.

7.        President Obama is going to appear on the wilderness reality show Running Wild With Bear Grylls, in which he and Mr. Grylls will travel throughout Alaska, ***  renaming all the national monuments along the way.

8.        According to an article in the journal Pharmacology, some prescription drugs can cause depression.  ***  For example, if they’re really expensive.

9.        Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker is proposing construction of a wall at the U.S.- Canada border.  ***  Canada says they’ll pay for it.

10.     In Detroit, someone fired 20 shots from a high powered rifle into the home of an 84 year old woman.  ***  Lesson for seniors: Be careful when you order that $99 air conditioning.

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 28, 2015

1.        In a New York Times interview, TV host Larry King talked about funeral plans, although he previously said he’ll have his body cryogenically frozen in hopes that he could someday be revived.  ***  So, he won’t be permanently dead, but just in a state of “suspendered animation.”

2.        Several senior citizens were arrested for staging a protest by standing in the road and blocking traffic on the “Magnificent Mile” in downtown Chicago.  ***  That’s quite a change in strategy. Usually they block traffic by hopping in a Buick and driving very, very slowly.

3.        The Kraft Heinz Food Company is recalling two million pounds of turkey bacon.  ***   An alert employee suddenly realized that bacon isn’t made from turkey.

4.        A fourth American who helped the other three Americans subdue the attacker on a Paris-bound train has been identified.  *** Investigators also found that there had been several Frenchmen onboard during the incident, but their military training kicked in and they immediately began stitching a white flag.

5.        Ashley Madison subscriber and porno addict Josh Duggar is hiding out in an Arkansas farmhouse with his wife because he wants some peace and quiet…and no Internet.  ***  OK, I was kidding about no Internet.

6.        Monday was National Waffle Day.  ***  In honor of the occasion, all the presidential candidates avoided taking positions on key issues.

7.        A few celebrities have been revealed as subscribers to the Ashley Madison cheating web site.  ***  Of course, they can still use that other cheating site—Hollywood.

8.        Hacked data from the Ashley Madison website shows that West Virginia has the lowest percentage of married people having affairs.  ***  Yes, those West Virginians have high standards and would never cheat on their cousins.

9.        Josh Duggar has retracted his posted confession about being addicted to pornography.  ***  He found out he had just been watching MTV.

10.     Art historians now say that Leonardo da Vinci intentionally painted the Mona Lisa such that she appears happy and cheerful from a distance, but when viewed up close she is melancholy and hostile.  ***  The researchers say they first became aware of this phenomena while watching the audience at a Donald Trump rally.   

 

 

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 21, 2015

1.        A study in Denmark has shown that men who are constantly nagged are more likely to die prematurely.  ***   Ah, God is merciful.

2.        Lindsay Lohan is being sued by her former driver who claims that she owes him $28,000.  ***  And that was just for trips to the courthouse.

3.        Starbucks plans to expand its offerings, including bacon-wrapped dates.  ***  I can’t believe anyone would want their date wrapped in bacon.

4.        According to a survey by Visa, the average amount children get from the “Tooth Fairy” has dropped in each of the past two years.  ***  Of course, this trend is an opportunity to let kids know the truth:  You should always check the fine print to make sure your guaranteed benefits are indexed to the rate of inflation.

5.        At the Iowa State Fair a little boy asked Donald Trump if he was Batman.  ***  Well, that’s Trump’s version of the encounter.  Actually, the kid asked him if he’s been living in a cave.

6.        Hilary Clinton was doing a little campaigning in Las Vegas.  ***  It was an appropriate venue for announcing her new campaign slogan:  What happens in Benghazi stays in Benghazi.

7.        The president of WalMart says that a major reason for the recent drop in profits was increased losses due to theft, but he promised a quick response.  ***  Unfortunately, it involves 80 year-old greeters with sidearms.

8.        Starbucks is making plans to serve alcoholic drinks in the evenings.  ***  Good luck.  It’s hard enough to order a Starbucks beverage when you’re sober.

9.        Two Michigan hospitals are taking part in clinical trials of a new device to treat high blood pressure.   ***  It connects to your TV and blocks out all the political ads.

10.     A thief in Westland, Michigan struck a senior living facility for the second time, again stealing several TV’s.   ***  Boy, is he going to be ticked when he finds out they only show The Weather Channel, Home Shopping Network and re-runs of Matlock.

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 14, 2015

1.        Today is the 70^th anniversary of the iconic photo of a sailor kissing a nurse in Times Square on V-J Day.   ***   Actually, you’re only allowed to grab a nurse and kiss her like that if a) you already know her, or b) you’ve just won a major war, or c) you’re on the Obamacare Gold Plan.

2.        HBO announced it is partnering with “Sesame Street” to bring the long-running kid’s show back to television.  ***  Terms of the deal were not released, but inside sources say that Oscar the Grouch is smiling.

3.        Through its buying service, Costco Auto Program, Costco is offering big savings on new cars.  ***  Of course, you have to buy ten of them. 

4.        According to a study published in the American Journal of Family Therapy, elementary school students are being given too much homework these days.  ***  Researchers say that young kids are spending nearly an hour every night just texting the answers back and forth.

5.        Some colleges are now offering an app called “Pocket Points” which gives students food discounts if they avoid using their smart phone in the classroom.  ***   But let’s not forget:  The main reason to not text or e-mail during class is that it interrupts your sleep.

6.        Archaeologists in Egypt now believe that King Tut’s tomb is actually part of a much larger tomb belonging to his mother, Queen Nefertiti.  ***  How embarrassing is that—He was the King of Egypt, and after 3,000 years he’s still staying at his mom’s place.

7.        McDonald’s is testing an app that lets customers scroll through the menu to see how many calories each item has.  ***  Or, if you don’t want to wade through all the numbers, the app will just Photoshop your selfie to show what you’re going to look like after too many Big Macs.

8.        Former President George W. Bush was called for jury duty in Dallas, but did not make the final cut.   ***  He was dismissed after admitting that he’d probably go with whichever verdict was easiest to pronounce.

9.        Country music stars Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert have almost finalized their divorce.  ***  They just need to decide who gets to sing about it.

10.     The restaurant rating website Yelp is now posting reviews of hospitals, along with the waiting time in the ER.  ***  And, if all the ER’s are full, Yelp can recommend a great restaurant for your last meal.